“Be More & Achieve More!”

In the early hours of Tuesday night (3^rd of January 2012), I got a call at 3:00am that my beloved father, Mohammed Afzal Khan, had peacefully passed away, at the age of 78, and his soul’s journey had moved to the next stage of its journey. I made my way back to Manchester from the south of England by car and arrived by 11:00 am to find the process of communications between the coroner, mortuary (at the hospital) and the personal medical doctor were all underway, with my three brothers and two sisters being kept abreast of it.

Due to Islamic prescriptions of burying the deceased as soon as possible, we were all anxious that the body was released sooner rather than later. But owing to his excellent general health, the medical practitioner was unable to issue a death certificate. However, with some assistance from friendly local municipal councillors, who sent emails to the coroner, we managed to get the body by late Thursday afternoon. His body was washed on Friday morning, prepared for burial – only two sheets of cloths are required to cover the body – and then transferred to the mosque where the final prayers would be made over it.

The funeral was well-attended, some 2,500 people or so came from multiple sides, the mosque was over-capacity and so many had to pray outside in the car park area to ensure attendance.

The body was then transferred to the graveyard with some following the hearse vehicle and many others making their own way. His body was lowered directly to the ground six feet below onto the cold, wet earth, wrapped in the two clean white cloths, with his face showing, and then turned eastwards towards the direction of Mecca. Further involuntary prayers and supplications were read over the grave by Imam’s who were touched by the whole scene and felt a close attachment with my father both in living days and on his departure from this plane of existence.

Now, here is what is more surprising, in a sense, than any of the procedures or indeed his sudden departure: the number, range and type of people who visited our houses to remember him fondly – women, including my mother, were in the adjacent house and men in my father’s house.

Since my arrival on Wednesday morning until Monday morning, apart from the burial day of Friday, I have personally been receiving people from eleven in the morning ‘til eleven in the evening. Many expressed their shock and disbelief of his expiration, as he was so fit and healthy, whilst others recounted their times with him.

One of the oft-repeated aspects mentioned by them was my father’s kindness and ability to make people feel warm, special and welcome when meeting them – both young and old. It’ll be easier for me to copy here what I put on my facebook and twitter statuses on the morning of January 6th:

“Dear Friends, the loss of any near one is a gap that cannot be easily filled, but even more if it was one who was a pillar of society: one who combines the secular and religious seamlessly such that the social and spiritual merge with grace, beauty, mystifying power and great resolve. One who crossed continents yet had deep care for one-and-all on both sides of the global hemisphere; one who gave his full attention, willingness and magical smile to both young and old alike to make each feel extra special, assured, centred and clear-minded; one who resolved conflicts, aided the insecure, helped fulfil the aspirations of the eager, and gave comfort to those in distress. A person of principles with huge self-dignity, his goal was to make people see the brighter side of life. This is just a glimpse of my dedicated Father, whose soul entered the next stage of its journey a couple of nights ago, and whose body will be buried by me and my brothers tomorrow on the glorious day of Friday. Please join me with your refined thoughts and prayers in earnestly asking Almighty God to have mercy on his soul. Thank you.”

Esteemed people of the society came and sat with us at home and through this testing time, I managed to get right to the heart of why so many endearingly remembered him. This is what I want to share with you here as I feel it will assist manifold in the common relations we have amongst us whilst we attempt to tackle the issues of everyday life on top of the global concerns surrounding us. He was not the richest, most powerful or the most famous, but he was amongst the most caring, sincerest, principled and whole-hearted of people.

Until his last days, he was himself running a daily luncheon club for the elderly. Though we all told him to leave it and rest more, his view was that it provided him daily activity, a focus, and an opportunity to engage with others; something I only came to truly understand posthumously.

His affectionate concern for others stemmed from a deep appreciation for how sincere and useful others were towards him just as he was unreservedly towards them. Colour, creed, gender, role, status, socio-economic class were not barriers or his measurements for bonding, but moreover, the genuine application a greater value system of others within inter-personal relations.

This value-system is what carried him into the political arena where the Rt. Hon Gerald Kaufmann, MP has been a long-standing friend of his (for over thirty years). I believe given the right circumstances, he would have made a brilliant cabinet minister. But he had a young family to take care of in a new country, get them through education - which was his main priority - look after the household here in England as well as those overseas, including the needs of several relations who called upon him living in Pakistan, Canada and elsewhere.

Apart from these practical issues, another feature that kept him slightly away from committing fully-fledged to the political machinations was his deeper spiritual understanding, strong values of ethics and principles of morals ~ with truth and justice residing above all. Accordingly, political expediency was not his mantle, nor could he accept the “rule of the mob” at the expense of ‘golden-mean’ standards. Most of the national and international issues were clarified in his mind as he saw the extension of the ‘great game’ as a farce, a denial of International law and a rejection of the idea of principles over policy. Thus, he found an alternative way, his way, in the care world.

As such, the last and only one to be with him in the depths of that Tuesday night in his transference from earthly existence to the spiritual realm was my beloved mother (75), whom he was looking after. Since that moment, she has proven herself to be a solid rock in the midst of torrent rain, wind, and engulfing sea waves of trial and tribulation. Remarkably, she retains redness in her cheeks, a glowing testimony that it is her character which has come to symbolise the 55 year partnership she had with my father.

All their children and several grandchildren will remember this message well: that a lasting partnership has love, understanding and compromise at the root of its organisation. It is now up to us to continue such a wonderful legacy with both faith and benevolent determination as we journey on back into the same Earth and beyond.

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Hi,

I know its been a while since I posted an article here on the Ark2Ark Blog site, and not nearly as regularly as pre-2011, but hey, ‘better there’s some than none’, just as we like to say ‘better late than never,’ unless you’ve been invited to the Queen’s birthday party!

As in one of my current roles I serve as the Secretary of the Inter Faith Relations Committee (IFRC) for the Muslim Council of Britain (MCB), I thought it worthwhile to share with you some insights into it, particularly in terms of definition and understanding. Most of the following has been drafted by Imam Abdul Jalil Sajid, Vice Chair of IFRC, with some editions by Dr Ramzy, the Treasurer of IFRC.

To begin, the present definition of Inter Faith dialogue according to Wikipedia is:

“The terms interfaith or interfaith dialogue refer to cooperative and positive interaction between people of different religious traditions (i.e., “faiths”) and spiritual or humanistic beliefs, at both the individual and institutional level with the aim of deriving a common ground in belief through a concentration on similarities between faiths, understanding of values, and commitment to the world. It is distinct from syncretism or alternative religion, in that dialogue often involves promoting understanding between different religions to increase acceptance of others, rather than to synthesize new beliefs.”

There are those on the peripheries of every faith who lay claim to the instigation of the interfaith movement, as well as those on the other end of the spectrum who argue that interfaith activities are inadvisable as they promote the dilution of cardinal principles in an attempt to reach amicable compromises. Each group often cites verses from their scripture in an attempt to support their relative stances. Between these two positions, however lies the fertile ground for the evolving nature of the interfaith movement, which works to promote a better understanding and mutual respect between those of different faiths, encouraging a desire to work alongside each other for the common good.

Interfaith is a relatively new movement. There is no single agreed definition or direction of this movement. It is still in its evolutionary stages. To some it means exchange of ideas, to others it means working together on some of the common issues. Still, others define it as an attempt in cultural exchange. How should we Muslim define it and why should we get involved in it? These are some of the pertinent questions that many Muslims are faced with in their daily dealings with those of other faiths, given that Muslims hold their religion to be the Divine Truth.

Interfaith activities are founded on a fundamental human reality that humans have often ignored. “Don’t judge others based on assumptions - learn about others directly from the original sources”. It may sound simple, but assumptions have been the major source of misinformation about others throughout the human history and caused discord and dissent.

Interfaith activities enable people of all faiths to know about each other directly from the practitioners and experts of each faith. It provides them the basic uncontaminated information about the other. It helps them to overcome some of the assumptions they have held without verification. Moreover, it opens up the channels of communications among practitioners of different faith on issues of common concerns.

Faith is a matter of personal choice. It can neither be imposed nor dictated upon others. It has to be acquired through one’s own efforts. Thus, interfaith is not and cannot be an attempt to force others to accept the truth as perceived by each faith traditions. It is also not an exercise in proving one’s superiority over the other.

Islam, via the Holy Qur’an and Prophetic tradition, as well as throughout its growth and historical development, has offered ample evidence to support the practice of acquiring knowledge concerning all aspects of life, including the faiths and traditions of others. Islam acknowledges the diversity of faiths and practices the world over, and demands from its followers a belief in the principle that throughout history, mankind has received guidance from the Creator. The Qur’an states that God sent a prophet with His guidance to every nation, speaking to the people in their language (Qur’an 14:4). Islam holds that the last of these revelations from Almighty God was through His last prophet Muhammad (pbuh). The purpose of this final revelation was to verify and clarify all that had come before it, and reinforce the commandment of belief in One God, reaffirming the original message of all previous prophets and scriptures.

There is another dimension of the interfaith related activities. People belonging to different faith traditions share the same planet and same resources. Due to the mismanagement of these resources and defective distributional systems, people often find themselves deprived of God’s resources. God does not discriminate among people when it comes to his justice and his bounties. He does not close the doors of his bounties on anyone. Hence, inter- faith activities give people an opportunity to ensure that God’s bounties are restored to people regardless of what they believe in.

There is one other aspect of interfaith is to ensure that opinions and perspectives do not lead people to condemn each other or to resort to violence to settle them. It enables them to understand other’s perspective so that people can live with diversity of opinion without passing judgment on each other’s level of understanding. Islam promotes the idea that no one carries the burden of others and each is responsible for one’s action. Hence, interfaith offers Muslims to practice this maxim in their relations with others.

In the United Kingdom, as in the US, people from different faith and ethnic backgrounds have found a unique opportunity to understand each other and learn from each other. There is no forum other than interfaith related activities that opens the door for this learning. Thus, interfaith activities are useful for those who understand their faith properly and are confident about its authenticity. Those who have superficial knowledge of their faith can certainly not contribute to the interfaith related activities. They may add to the confusion that already exists among faith circles.

The Muslim Council of Britain (MCB) Committee for Interfaith Relations is an effort to prepare Muslims to participate fully in the emerging interfaith movement. It invites Muslims to join its ranks so that they may become part of this effort for peace, harmony, and mutual understanding at their levels of interfaith activities. The previous IFRC’s have in the past agreed to the following:

1.Interfaith is rooted in Islamic traditions.

2. Interfaith work does not mean giving legitimacy to all ideas. Rather, it means the acknowledgement of the existence of all.

3. Interfaith from an Islamic traditions means that everyone deserves the respect and the right to express one’s viewpoint without any fear.

4. Interfaith does not mean that Muslims are negating the foundation of their faith.

5. A distinction must be maintained between interfaith work and interfaith dialogue.

6. Interfaith dialogue is more an intellectual exercise to understand the divergence that exists among people of faiths, while interfaith work means devoting the resources for the betterment of the condition of people of all faiths.

7. Those involved in interfaith must have knowledge of their own faith traditions.

8. The interfaith practitioners must follow the Quranic methodology to practice it.

9. Interfaith dialogue or work does not mean that people should have a unified approach.

Imam Sajid also asserts “There is no alternative to Inter Faith Dialogue”:

In my humble opinion, Faith brings joy and hope to millions of people in the world. Religion is a social force that can be harnessed to build bridges or manipulated to erect walls. Living and working together in today’s multicultural, multi-religious and multi-faith society is not always easy. Faith communities have huge human and financial recourses. Faith motivates its followers for doing good deeds such as raising funds for good causes, helping elderly and needy people in our communities and motivating their followers to tackle many social issues in our society. Religion harnesses deep emotions, which can sometimes take destructive forms. Where this happens, we must draw on our faith to bring about reconciliation and understanding. The truest fruits of our faith are healing the wounds of the past and being positive to construct trust and fellowship between different people. We have a great deal to learn from one another, which enriches us without undermining our own identities. Together, listening and responding with openness and respect, we can move forward to work in ways that acknowledge genuine differences but build on shared hopes and values.

In my faith tradition the Holy Qur’an commands believers for interfaith co-operation “to come to common grounds” (3:64). As a Muslim I have been ordered to build good relations with all people of the world (49:13 & (16:40); work for peace everywhere and whenever possible with others (2:208) & 8:61); cooperate with others in furthering virtue and God–consciousness (5:2); seek and secure human welfare, promote justice and peace (4:114); do good to others (28:77) and not to break promises made to others (16:91). The Holy Qur’an tells believers that those who do good deeds and help others are the best creation (98:6). The Holy Prophet of Islam made it clear that “Religion is man’s treatment of other fellow-beings” (Bukhari & Muslim); and “the best among you is he who does good deeds in serving other people” (Ahmad & Tabrani).

The noble Prophet of Islam (May the peace and Blessings of God Almighty be upon him) practiced this ideal for interfaith dialogue himself while talking to Jews, Christians and other faith traditions, as well as people with no faith on issues concerning life, death and relevant matters. The Prophet of Islam confirmed this in writing explicitly in the Charter of Medina in 622 CE. The Holy Qur’an not only recognized religious pluralism as accepting other groups as legitimate socio-religious communities but also accepting their spirituality. The preservation of the sanctity of the places of worship of other faiths is paramount in Islamic tradition (22:40).

The Holy Qur’an says: “And abuse not those whom they call upon besides Allah, lest exceeding the limits, they abuse Allah through ignorance. Thus to every people have We made their deeds fair-seeming; then to their Lord is their return so he will inform them of what they did” (6:109). It also instructs: “Allah loves the doer of good (to others)” (3: 133)

In 628 C.E. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) granted a Charter of Privileges to the monks of St. Catherine Monastery in Mount Sinai. It consisted of several clauses covering all aspects of human rights including such topics as the protection of Christians, freedom of worship and movement, freedom to appoint their own judges and to own and maintain their property, exemption from military service, and the right to protection in war. I do not have ready references of these letters but in Dr Muhammed Hadidullah’s excellent book “Wasaiq of Muhammad” these are mentioned in Arabic. An English translation of that document is presented here:

Letter to the Monks of St. Catherine Monastery

“This is a message from Muhammad ibn Abdullah, as a covenant to those who adopt Christianity, near and far, we are with them.

Verily I, the servants, the helpers, and my followers defend them, because Christians are my citizens; and by Allah! I hold out against anything that displeases them. No compulsion is to be on them. Neither are their judges to be removed from their jobs nor their monks from their monasteries. No one is to destroy a house of their religion, to damage it, or to carry anything from it to the Muslims’ houses. Should anyone take any of these, he would spoil God’s covenant and disobey His Prophet. Verily, they are my allies and have my secure charter against all that they hate. No one is to force them to travel or to oblige them to fight. The Muslims are to fight for them. If a female Christian is married to a Muslim, it is not to take place without her approval. She is not to be prevented from visiting her church to pray. Their churches are to be respected. They are neither to be prevented from repairing them nor the sacredness of their covenants. No one of the nation (Muslims) is to disobey the covenant till the Last Day (end of the world).”

As ever, for Success and Contentment,

Asad Khan

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Hi Dear Reader,

“Be the Change You Want to See in the World.”

At every stage and level of life we encounter relationships that help us to become more of who we truly need to become: a person leading a life of authentic ambition and purpose. But is this just an ideal and a fantastic thought, or is it practicable in our everyday lives?

I believe that some people are naturally gifted in dealing with other people in a way that readily breaks down barriers and helps create an air of trust. With their smooth, authentic interaction they engender mutual feelings of cooperation and dialogue and friendship is built easily. They do this without necessarily realising that they are doing anything special – and this is true of most masters in skills which they are either naturally gifted with or develop over time. Such people don’t carry any agenda’s, deploy techniques or skills, nor are they seeking any particular gain. It is the purer action of theirs that carries with it the hallmarks of sincerity and kindness that touches the other person with whom they are relating. Of course, these masters will have their share of troubles and we’ll see later how they have incorporated certain strategies at the sub-conscience level to deal with obstacles as well as difficult people and circumstances.

Yet there are many of us who struggle to get our points across at the best of times and leave meetings with feelings of distrust, doubt and false impressions. No matter how hard we try, there are things we just can’t seem to complete, tasks we can’t get done, people we upset endlessly, challenges that crop-up over and over again, and end-up with one bad encounter that leads to a souring of the mood and distraction from work all day!

As with most things in life, there are certain aspects which are inherent, internal and natural and there are other aspects that are out of direct control, unenforceable, independent. Your task should be to recognise this difference and learn to work on things that are directly under your control:

Things You Can Control

• Focus
• Self-Discipline / Time
• Behaviour & Habits
• Feelings & Intentions
• Communications Methods

Things You Don’t Control

• Other People & Their Thinking
• Their Availability (Time)
• Their Moods and States
• Their Behaviour/s & Values
• Environmental Circumstances

Even a regular glance at this list will help you to refresh the timeless aspects of things that you can control and things that you cannot. Far too often, people trip-up in their work, relationships, duties and goals because they worry too much about things that are out-of their control and don’t help themselves to grow by working on those things that are.

Here is an example for you: when you were a baby, or indeed in your mother’s womb, which aspects did you control? Did you control what others felt, how they lived, what they did or didn’t do, what happened in the society, timings, events, context, circumstances or any of the other things around you. No. You simply did what you were biologically designed to do: grow physically. But as your eyesight strengthened so did your awareness of the world. As it did, it became clearer to you that not all things are perfect, people don’t always understand what you mean, nor do you get what you want when you want it.

You also realised that certain people meant more to you than others. A special bonding with the ones who were in primary care over you led to the understanding that they can do for you as much as you liked, but then there were some expectations placed upon you that you had to deliver in accordance to. A greater realisation led you to the understanding that self-interest meant that the more you wanted to get, or do something, the more you could attempt to please others in order to obtain that objective. Without meaning to do it, you learned you could bend a situation to serve your purposes, but it just wasn’t so sure to work all the time…

Now, as an adult you know that there are several relationships at multiple levels and the fulcrum of them all is you. Your attitude and skills combined will help to foster relationships of mutual cooperation, of need, of love, of neighbourliness, of generosity and not just those of temporary convenience.

Great relationships – be they professional, social or intimate – are all dependent on one key aspect: your ability to communicate effectively, both- verbally and non-verbally. And the key to communication is having a good understanding of other people: their culture, backgrounds, context, time/stage in life, evaluating (inner-processing) styles, current priorities and commitments, pressures and challenges, etc. Of course you may not learn all of this overnight, but one Golden Formula that you can internalise now is:

“Behaviour Begets Behaviour”

If you want to achieve something with someone then carry a pure intention, a smile, and positive expectations. This will help induce into the other person the same characteristics and ensure a safer passage towards your goals. This is why the “The Magic of Relation-ships” is in understanding that a:

“A ’Relation’ is a ‘Ship’ that helps carry you to your desired destination.”

The more free and authentic you are, the greater the likelihood of achieving your aims. Not to hold other people in contempt is the surest way of freeing yourself of self-imprisonment, as the ‘ship’ won’t then travel anywhere fast!

Earlier, I said some people effortlessly get on in life as though all was made to happen for them. But as a matter of fact, we just don’t see the problems they encounter in life, work, health and relations and how they cope / respond to them. So what do they do? Well, in brief (because I want to elaborate on such aspects in future postings), they realise that relations are an asset, just as knowledge is capital, and they appreciate not only levels of authority, but also degrees of care, respect, trust and acceptance. In addition, they have a better idea of the things that are under there control and those that are not. So whether in leadership, management, at home, outdoors or at work, know the:

3 keys to Successful Relations & Happiness

1. Get a real vision of what you want and make a plan;
2. Understand what you may have to give-up to get it;
3. Take action and deal with people in the best manner possible;

Focus on the infinite possibilities of your relationships, work, life and goals. Be aware of the things that lead to distraction, worry and bitterness:

Things That Take Away Your Focus:

1. Unwarranted Fears
2. Immediate pleasures (instant gratifications) & urgency addictions
3. Other people’s demands and meddling in their affairs

“Travel Lighter, Let Go of Unwanted Concerns.”

Till next time,
For Success & Contentment,
Asad Khan

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Hi there,

The Magic of Relationships seminar is coming up on the 18th December. To get us started, allow me to share with you some ideas that will help foster better understandings towards one another.

Men are Like Rubber Bands:

Which means they like to pull away, they like to stretch out to create distance, but then they have to return - often springing back. Its the male intimacy cycle that involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Women don’t tend to realise this rhythm and feel distressed when the deep romance surrounding a relationship abruptly ends and when the man wishes to focus on something else. It’s a common misinterpretation because women tend to pull away for different reasons: when she doesn’t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and fears being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.

Of course a man can pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if the lady has done nothing wrong. It could purely be a male thing - the need to have space - even though he loves and trusts her. But like the stretched rubber band, he’ll come back. This need for space is like the man going into his cave: its a place of solitude, independence and autonomy. He’ll soon feel the need to spring back and automatically pick up the intimacy at whatever levels required, even just before he pulled away, without the having to go through a period of getting reacquainted again.

If properly understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but can cause havoc when misread and misjudged, or even mis-timed. Usually, the man can give and take less readily than the woman, so the women thinks that her man is not reciprocating her love. Women naturally give and take more readily and can easily express their sentiments. But when they don’t see this happening with the man, they misjudge him and think that there’s something wrong with him. Anxiety builds up when she tries to ‘fix’ him - that’s not what he needs…rather he wants to simply pull away to have his own breathing space: whether its in the shed, out with friends, strolling, watching a movie or reading. She continues to get frustrated when he wants to ignore her and she develops ideas that he doesn’t love her, or worse still, think that he has got someone else! A confused state of affairs soon arises.

Women should understand the need for a man to pull away. Its good for him and her (and any children). He’ll spring back with power and enthusiasm. Men however need to remember that it may be easy for them to get to intense levels of intimacy as he was before pulling back, but the woman may need to time to catch-up and re-familiarise - particularly if she’s been through a state of confusion or panic (she doesn’t know what she did to switch you off)!

It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does often triggers his departure - usually when she begins to talk about feelings. The talk of feelings creates intimacy and the man can be defensive and not open-up, hence begin to pull away. It’s not that he doesn’t care about her feelings as at another point in the intimacy cycle those same feelings will draw him closer. So its not just what she says but rather when.

When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, common symptoms are increased passiveness, moodiness, irritability and defensiveness. And the women builds a huge amount of dependency on the man that can lead to a high degree of unwarranted trust, such that if he does pull away, she feels totally dejected for ‘doing something wrong’ or misappropriating the trust. She may begin to resent him and hold bitter feelings towards him unjustifiably. When women don’t understand the male intimacy cycle, they can unknowingly obstruct it in two ways: they are (1) chasing him when he pulls away; (2) punishing him for pulling away.

Men must be sensitive to the needs of women (I’ll come on to that later) but also understand the requirement of pulling away. If timed, done well and worked with, a high degree of satisfaction can be engendered in the relationship such that the natural rhythms of both the man and woman are held to a better standard. There’s no need for guilt or blame on either side. The man needs to go to the cave every now and again, grow and become wiser….he’ll return to with a freshness that the women has longed for and will be better prepared to hear her share her feelings. The patient woman who understands this will love and trust her man, share with him as needed, and allow him to open-up in his own time without demanding it to be so.

This single insight into the male cycle that has been represented as mimicking a rubber band can replace so much confusion and unnecessary pain with that of care and understanding.

Soon we’ll take a look at how women act as waves….

For Success and Contentment,

Asad Khan

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