“Be More & Achieve More!”

Dear Reader,

Here is the second article from a senior member of the MCB, Dr Abdul Bari, who has put thoughts on the recent riots on record:-

The shooting of 29-year-old Mark Duggan by armed police in north London on the evening of 4^th August created a chain of riots, looting and mayhem in London and subsequently other cities. The first human casualties were three young Asian men of Muslim origin in Birmingham who were defending their property. According to the West Midlands Police Chief Chris Sims: “At some point, and in circumstances that as yet I can’t fully explain, a vehicle has been driven into that group of males, which tragically has led to three of those men losing their lives”.

This wanton destruction up and down the country, caused by sections of our youth and aided by social media (such as Blackberry messenger, Twitter, etc), is a new phase in our social malaise. All sections of our society, from police to politicians to ordinary citizens, have unequivocally condemned this mind-boggling anarchy and nihilism. There is a genuine revulsion at this mindless criminality. There is also a soul searching going on: one columnist suggests that the moral decay at the top of society is as bad as at the bottom in our country.

While the dark side of these fateful few days was maddening, other inspirational things were happening. Local residents in some places fought back against the looters and vigilantes (or concerned citizens, depending upon your definition) joined police forces to help protect their property and streets. Much like the Tahrir Square Clean-up in Egypt, ordinary Londoners were seen cleaning their streets after a major disturbance. Some minority communities played inspirational roles in this national crisis: Muslims tackling looters and bigots whilst Turkish shopkeepers in north London were demonstrating exemplary community responsibility in protecting their stores. Britain’s largest Muslim umbrella body, the Muslim Council of Britain, urged us all to clean up our cities. In the midst of the riot-led pessimism, one writer reminded us that faith-based youth work can give hope in this generation. Faith indeed played an important role for Muslims, as in the month of fasting (Ramadan, taking place across August) Muslims are reminded to restrain themselves from evil and criminal activities. In a powerful article in The Daily Mail 14 August, Legacy of a society that believes in nothing, one columnist eulogised the father of two dead young sons for his “solemn, peaceful message that will make everyone who stereotypes Muslims as terrorists and fanatics feel ashamed of themselves“.

Amid all this mayhem in our cities and tough talk by politicians, the question remains; what is it that caused this sheer criminality and nihilism in certain sections of our youth? The issues are complex and deep, and opinions widely divided. We cannot look for a simple answer to a complex problem. Many causes have been thrust forward: the widening of social and economic inequality, the decline of trust in established authority (such as politicians), the gradual waning of a moral compass with a ‘me-first‘ philosophy of life, the influence of unrestricted commercialisation of our lives and the weakening of family structure giving rise to a lack of basic discipline at home, in schools and our streets – all are relevant.

However, a skin-deep analysis and playing the blame game do not help us in solving this crisis of ours. Tough talking and robust policing are certainly necessary in the short term. We have the Olympics when the world is coming to London next year and the media will be focused on our small island. Imagine if a fraction of this chaos happens during the next summer – disaster!

We need to go deep into this social issue in order to find a long-term solution. Youth are the makers or breakers of any society. A society where family structure is robust, will more likely turn youthful energy to nation building. Where it is weak, however, that is a recipe for the kind of disorder we have seen on our streets so recently.

Children are by nature inquisitive, adventurous and prone to rebellion. They are idealist, impressionable and often vulnerable. Without a strong moral ‘mooring’ and an anchor in the community – anchors which come from family and community, from those also at the top of society – they may enter the world without a moral compass. The tendency to rebel against the status quo is embedded in their nature, and without strong discipline (there is a fine balance between freedom and discipline in childhood), young people may turn towards antisocial activities. Schools are often at the sharp end of this indiscipline and delinquency. With rising family problems, such as domestic violence, and mixed messages on parental rights, parents are often at a loss what to do. A blame game amongst parents, schools and society makes the situation worse.

According to some studies, Britain’s young people are not faring well in their behaviour compared to other developed countries. The UN’s first ever report on the state of childhood in the industrialised West also tells us how Britain is eating its young. This seems to be in line with the UNICEF Report on Children’s happiness of 2007, where Britain came last among industrialised countries. This does not bode well for our country.

As a behaviour support teacher and community activist for several decades, I believe that the root cause of our young people’s delinquency and criminality lies in our homes. It then spreads:community and society consists of families first and foremost. But this is not about pointing fingers at parents; they are not solely responsible. By talking to any parent who is struggling with their ‘behaviour-problem’ child, you will find that the finger would point back to the society.

The only way we can build our society is to build our homes. Home is a place where a child starts life. A warm and caring stable family environment is essential for the healthy growth of a child. Call me old-fashioned, traditional or even judgemental, but a society cannot sustain itself by weakening its family structure. Human society stands on the shoulder of families. Strong families create strong moral values, such as love, respect, loyalty, care, patience, sacrifice, fairness, integrity, compromise and openness. They also nurture an ethos which is open to consultation and problem solving. All this depends on assertive, proactive and positive parenting, from the early stage of a child’s life. According to a survey by YouGov for Channel 4/ITN, ‘Poor parenting’ to blame for UK riots, British people think poor parenting, criminal behaviour and gang culture is causing unrest in cities across the UK.

When we fail to value the importance of family and positive parenting, they will come back to haunt us. And, dare I say, in my view marriage-based family life is the answer to raising our children as better human beings. To say marriage is problem-free will be arrogant, but marriage teaches us to be less selfish with the spirit of compromise and a sense of responsibility that no alternative system, in my opinion, can provide.

Violence, neglect or abuse in a family has always had adverse effects on children. Sadly, over many decades, the institution of family has been undermined by the pressures of extreme materialism, alongside increasing numbers of domestic violence cases resulting in parental separation. With a more dominant and unrestricted consumerism and the arrival of modern technologies, such as mobile phones, computers, TVs and other gadgets decreasing the need for physical communication, people are being kept apart. The loss of childhood innocence and loneliness is becoming the norm. Its impact in schools, in terms of discipline and poor performance, is causing concern in the world of education. With the weakening of family values and discipline and lack of proper direction from society, drugs, sex and criminality are becoming prominent. The cost to the nation in terms of NHS, police and social services is enormous.

As children grow and their formal education starts, schools and neighbourhoods should gradually play a vital role. But by that time their home education and environment has given them a good anchor to withstand any social challenge: schools, community and society can build upon this.

We have been overwhelmed with scandals involving corporate greed in the banking systems, MPs’ expenses and phone hacking over the past few years. But, to me, these mindless August 2011 riots on our streets are worse and a wake up call for us as a nation.

*Dr Muhammad Abdul Bari is a parenting consultant. He is a founding member of The East London Communities Organisation (TELCO), Chairman of the East London Mosque Trust, and former Secretary General Muslim Council of Britain (2006-10). www.amanaparenting.com

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Hi there,

The Magic of Relationships seminar is coming up on the 18th December. To get us started, allow me to share with you some ideas that will help foster better understandings towards one another.

Men are Like Rubber Bands:

Which means they like to pull away, they like to stretch out to create distance, but then they have to return - often springing back. Its the male intimacy cycle that involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Women don’t tend to realise this rhythm and feel distressed when the deep romance surrounding a relationship abruptly ends and when the man wishes to focus on something else. It’s a common misinterpretation because women tend to pull away for different reasons: when she doesn’t trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and fears being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.

Of course a man can pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if the lady has done nothing wrong. It could purely be a male thing - the need to have space - even though he loves and trusts her. But like the stretched rubber band, he’ll come back. This need for space is like the man going into his cave: its a place of solitude, independence and autonomy. He’ll soon feel the need to spring back and automatically pick up the intimacy at whatever levels required, even just before he pulled away, without the having to go through a period of getting reacquainted again.

If properly understood, this male intimacy cycle enriches a relationship, but can cause havoc when misread and misjudged, or even mis-timed. Usually, the man can give and take less readily than the woman, so the women thinks that her man is not reciprocating her love. Women naturally give and take more readily and can easily express their sentiments. But when they don’t see this happening with the man, they misjudge him and think that there’s something wrong with him. Anxiety builds up when she tries to ‘fix’ him - that’s not what he needs…rather he wants to simply pull away to have his own breathing space: whether its in the shed, out with friends, strolling, watching a movie or reading. She continues to get frustrated when he wants to ignore her and she develops ideas that he doesn’t love her, or worse still, think that he has got someone else! A confused state of affairs soon arises.

Women should understand the need for a man to pull away. Its good for him and her (and any children). He’ll spring back with power and enthusiasm. Men however need to remember that it may be easy for them to get to intense levels of intimacy as he was before pulling back, but the woman may need to time to catch-up and re-familiarise - particularly if she’s been through a state of confusion or panic (she doesn’t know what she did to switch you off)!

It is very confusing for a woman when a man pulls away because something she says or does often triggers his departure - usually when she begins to talk about feelings. The talk of feelings creates intimacy and the man can be defensive and not open-up, hence begin to pull away. It’s not that he doesn’t care about her feelings as at another point in the intimacy cycle those same feelings will draw him closer. So its not just what she says but rather when.

When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, common symptoms are increased passiveness, moodiness, irritability and defensiveness. And the women builds a huge amount of dependency on the man that can lead to a high degree of unwarranted trust, such that if he does pull away, she feels totally dejected for ‘doing something wrong’ or misappropriating the trust. She may begin to resent him and hold bitter feelings towards him unjustifiably. When women don’t understand the male intimacy cycle, they can unknowingly obstruct it in two ways: they are (1) chasing him when he pulls away; (2) punishing him for pulling away.

Men must be sensitive to the needs of women (I’ll come on to that later) but also understand the requirement of pulling away. If timed, done well and worked with, a high degree of satisfaction can be engendered in the relationship such that the natural rhythms of both the man and woman are held to a better standard. There’s no need for guilt or blame on either side. The man needs to go to the cave every now and again, grow and become wiser….he’ll return to with a freshness that the women has longed for and will be better prepared to hear her share her feelings. The patient woman who understands this will love and trust her man, share with him as needed, and allow him to open-up in his own time without demanding it to be so.

This single insight into the male cycle that has been represented as mimicking a rubber band can replace so much confusion and unnecessary pain with that of care and understanding.

Soon we’ll take a look at how women act as waves….

For Success and Contentment,

Asad Khan

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